Tonight, I have the honor of reporting to you on the State of the Union. Tomorrow, everyone else in this room can go back to reporting on the state of my unions.Highly-placed sources have leaked to The Scoop an early draft of Bill Clinton’s State of the Union address. Phrases deleted from the final draft are indicated byitalics.

Let me begin by saluting the new speaker of the House especially for not being the old speaker of the House. Mr. Speaker, you asked us all to work together in the spirit of civility and bipartisanship. Mr. Speaker, let’s do exactly that. Please. For the love of God.

Thanks to the leadership of all of you and to a demographic drop in the number of 18 to 24-year-old males who commit most violent crimes, we have the lowest violent crime rate in a quarter century. But really, Congress, you can take the credit anyway, if it’ll get Henry Hyde off my keester. America is a strong force for peace from Northern Ireland to Bosnia two shining beacons of harmony. As for Iraq, Pakistan, Sudan … look, stop nitpicking.Tonight I stand before you to report that America has created what could be calledthe longest peacetime economic expansion in our history if we weren’t bombing Iraq or Sudan or sometimes even Pakistan by accident on almost a daily basis.